Jun 2011 15

Strong personalities and musicians go hand-in-hand. No one wants to see an under-confident, every-man-Joe climb up on the stage. Bold, opinionated front men are the lifeblood of the music industry. Having said this, there is a fine line between larger-than-life entertainer and unadulterated asshole-ism. Some performers walk this line deftly and some take a steaming shit on it (and more importantly, their fan base).
I am, of course, speaking in regards to Faderhead’s recent blog entry, How to Hang with Faderhead. In said blog, FH walks us through an 11-point step-by-step tutorial on acceptable interaction with him post-show (because you must NEVER speak to him before a show, as we learn in rule nine). Not to be outdone, I have arranged my responses to these points in an equally easy to read fashion.

 

1. BE PATIENT

As any McDonald’s employee can tell you, working with the public is a tricky thing. People, shockingly enough in such a homogenized society, tend to be very different in their interactions with other humans. Chalk it up to divorced parents, church groups, age, and/or lunar cycles, but not everyone interacts with others the same way. Some are rude. Some are jovial. Some are on crystal meth. Now, this humble writer detests the rude and/or impatient people as well; this is a pretty common complaint. The rub here is as such: These people aren’t coming to your house to play Twister or finger your sister; they’re paying customers who allow you to do what it is you do. Some of these folks plunked down hard earned cash to buy your album. Nearly all of them paid a cover charge or bought a ticket to see you. Hell, some of them may even buy your sticker and put it on their very first MIDI controller. No one likes the hyperactive 18-year-old girl who is oblivious to the line of people in front of her, but one need only stop taking himself so seriously for 2.5 seconds and politely ask said fan to wait in line with everyone else. Some people are simply oblivious to their own behavior and need a gentle reminder.

 

2. DO NOT POKE ME

I can’t really argue with FH on this one. No one likes an unprompted poking; I’ll give you that. However, I would yet again say that the burden of patience is on the PAID performer here. I wouldn’t even fault the gentleman for a nasty response after said poking. I do, however, have to question the need for a numbered entry regarding one’s distaste for poking.

 

3. DO NOT GIVE ME YOUR CD

To the fellow musicians out there: Did you pay attention in your “how to break into the alt-music industry 101” class? I must have fallen asleep too, because I can’t remember who it’s cool to give my crappy demos to. Using common sense, I always assumed it was likeminded and/or connected individuals relevant to me. I know it’s a huge leap in logic to assume that an electronic artist might listen to electronic music, but I never had handy lists like this growing up. As for not even telling you about the CD, well fuck my ass and call me Sally; I thought this was a list on how to HANG with Faderhead. Most of my friends (y’know people I HANG with) have had to tolerate my constant preening about demos/DJ gigs/watercolor paintings and every other stupid project I’m involved with. People tend to talk about… oh I don’t know… THINGS THEY’RE FUCKING INTERESTED IN! When I’m talking to someone else who makes music or works in the industry, I usually expect that one of us is going to bring up something we’re involved with.

 

4. DON’T ASK ME ABOUT THE SOFTWARE I USE

Yet again, I don’t know WHY anyone would assume this would be a relevant conversation with a software-based musician. Nor can I even fathom why someone trying to learn more about a chosen field would ask questions like this of an established musician. Thanks for setting us straight FH!

 

5. DON’T ASK ME TO GIVE YOU SOME OF MY VODKA

I’m going to go with FH on this one again. This is just plain rude and I’m sure a little bit irritating. While one could simply say “no” and explain that life on the road is hard and that there is not a ton of money in their pocket, thanks to the miracle of the internet, we can instead get a self-indulgent blog post such as this.

 

6. BUY ME A DRINK INSTEAD

Okay, okay, wait a minute… Didn’t you just bash your fans for asking this same thing? To quote: “We are in a club. There’s a bar. Buy it yourself, cheap-ass!” I just fucking paid to see you! I have to pick up your tab now as well? Now, I AM known to buy an artist a drink, but soliciting it via blog post is just… tacky. Again, performers are usually broke, but couldn’t you just do what many broke DJs do? DRINK BACKSTAGE! Flasks are remarkably cheap these days.

 

7. DON’T JUST STAND IN THE DISTANCE AND STARE

Do you remember that kid in high school? You know; the SHY one. He/she had a hard time making introductions and could come off as semi-creepy. Really, sometimes people just need a wave or a smile to overcome their social anxiety. If this doesn’t work, just be thankful someone finds you interesting enough to stare at.

 

8. DON’T TELL ME MY FRIENDS SUCK

Fair enough FH, fair enough. No one likes their friends bashed. I mean, one could simply disagree and move the topic on to something else, thereby showing some social grace and a thick skin. But hey, who am I to tell someone how to interact with others? I’ll leave that to the pros.

 

9. DON’T INTERUPT ME BEFORE THE SHOW

Preshow time can be stressful. All performers know this. Sadly, you’re not dealing with an audience full of performers here. Some people are, again, oblivious. A simple solution to this is to politely say something along the lines of, “Hey, running around trying to get ready for the show, catch me afterward.” This would even be a perfect chance to hand out those How to Hang with Faderhead laminated cheat-sheets in your back pocket. That way, the patron won’t commit any more embarrassing social sins and you can continue the stressful process of plugging in a laptop.

 

10. DON’T TRY TO START A CONVERSATION ON THE DANCEFLOOR

We have all had the difficult experience of trying to socialize amid a wall of sound. This goes hand-in-hand with the club scene. However, perhaps the fan trying to chat you up just didn’t know when another opportunity would present itself. Perhaps they are leaving soon. Perhaps they simply read your blog and didn’t want to stare at you until you moved to a noise-reduced area. Perhaps you could just be polite and smile and nod or make the universal “I can’t hear you” motion.

 

11. KNOW HOW TO OPERATE YOUR CAMERA

Sorry FH; with the rampant wave of new technology and my penchant for breaking phones, I never seem to find the time to really get to know my phone. This, coupled with the 47 shots of Jäger, has left me all thumbs and you may have to act like I (the paying fan) am anything more than human garbage while I take an additional 30 seconds to get the camera right. However, in the end, it will be worth it: All my Facebook friends will want to check you out after they see our photo, captioned “How to take a photo with a pompous ass.”

 

Richard Reich

9 Comments

  1. Maus says:

    Haha. Awesome.

  2. Well written response indeed. But I have to take a great issue with question 4.

    Many musicians take great pride in the software and equipment that they use. Some musicans are even sponsor by a software company. Take for example Ableton software. Being backed by a popular software company may just have its positives. Why not share it with one’s fans?

    Take for example VNV Nation. Not only do they list the software and equipment, they provide photos as well. Many other artist do so as well, its a part of the music business.

    A better response Faderhead should have said was “Just take a look at my website for there you will find everything that I use to create my work”

    Now I would never asked this sort of question to Faderhead. Don’t need to hang with him. For I am not a fan of his. He is right about his music sounding the same alright.

    Oh for sure, if he used another DAW besides Cubebase 5, his music will still sound like a load of monkey crap. Cubebase 5 can’t help him. He could try Fruity Loops indeed. Faderhead needs to get over his hyper inflated ego.

    Yeah, everybody is a star. Yeah, Faderhead keep dreaming that you are a rock star. For you appear to be suffering from delusion of grandeur. You and your music sucks.

    While I am not a musician, I take have no issue when people as me what software I use when I DJ. I am proud user of free and open source software.

  3. A++, would read again!

  4. Outlaw says:

    I think I love the “Don’t Talk To Me Preshow”/”Don’t Talk to Me On The Floor” duo is amazing. I haven’t been to a show in ages that took place in a venue that had a nice, quiet room to go into and talk to the artist. The bar is typically a stone’s toss from the floor. If they can’t talk to you pre-show and they can’t talk to you when it’s loud, when do they talk to you?
    Also: I know you need to preserve your ears for music’s sake, but don’t complain that you can’t hear someone if you still have the freakin’ things in.

  5. Darth Vag says:

    This was all part of his plan. He wants people to get all ranty and repost his blog and blog about how much they hate him. He not only wants to bum shots of vodka off the internet at large, he also wants your free publicity. I think the way to really combat this is to change his name to something like Faderpoop or Faderdouche when making any kind of reference to this shit. That way you make your point and everyone already familiar with the band and the issue will get what you’re saying, but it wont broadcast his project name and draw any new people into it. I think this concept needs to be passed on to everyone else out in Faderland until everyone ‘gets it’ and stops helping him promote this way. Nobody should ever earn the benefit of a larger fan base from disrespecting a smaller fan base like that. I guess he wasnt making enough money to justify another term in his record contract or something, so this is kind of like a last ditch effort- destroy the fans he has now and hope they broadcast hatred enough to bring a return twice as big or more, or something. It’s the wrong way to do business and get yoru art work known, whether it works or not.

  6. […] quick music thing: Regen Mag is back in full at last – and one brilliant post of note this week has been dissecting Faderhead’s recent “memo” to his “fans” entitled […]

  7. Stefan Davey says:

    I read his blog, and my immediate thought was, ‘you pretentious twat!’ I watched this same guy prance about the Dark Flower nightclub at WGT, never taking his shades off once!! I rather like Faderhead’s music, but probably not for much longer!

  8. traumatik says:

    The guy definitely lost a potential fan when I read his blog post. Thank you Regen for setting him straight. What a great response. I’d rather fight him now than listen to his music. You can’t have much of an Inferiority Complex when you’re lying on the floor bleeding from your ears, can you now!

  9. CharityV says:

    I had no idea who Faderhead was until I heard about his ranting blog. I guess it was a brilliant publicity stunt? Yeah… no, I won’t be talking to, staring at, or poking this guy anytime soon, no matter how he begs. ;)

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